Sometimes, I wish I could repair a relationship, but the pain in my heart runs too deep, preventing me from taking the first step.
Each of us has been in such a situation before. Sometimes, we find ourselves in a silent war with others, or we feel hurt by the words and actions of friends and family. These are all part of life, part of being human.
Recently, I encountered two similar situations within my own family. I am well aware that no matter what, I will ultimately choose to forgive the other party. The issue is not about whether we will forgive, but rather when we will forgive.
One of the reasons why taking the first step is so difficult is that I don’t feel the urgency to mend the relationship, and I even find myself somewhat immersed in self-pity.
The reason we sometimes dwell in self-pity is because it acts as an emotional barrier, allowing us to temporarily withdraw and feel justified in our grievances. It leads us to believe that we have ample reason to feel wronged, even to self-righteously insist that we have been treated unfairly.
When we are stuck in self-pity, few would argue that we are in a state of rational thinking. However, compared to forgiving others, self-pity seems much easier to indulge in. Our behaviors tend to flow in the direction of least resistance, just like water does.
The longer we delay, the harder it becomes to take that first step. I’ve noticed that sometimes, the initial reasons for our discomfort are gradually forgotten, replaced by a sense of indifference and irritation within. These emotions are even harder to overcome as they are more driven by feelings than reason.
With each day of silence, a small emotional scar is left behind. It’s akin to accidentally biting the inside of your mouth: the wound swells slightly, making it easier to be bitten again, in a repetitive cycle. I believe that a similar situation occurs when we hesitate to forgive. If you let unpleasant emotions linger for a day or two, it might drag on for two to three days next time, and the negativity will only worsen.
If you have decided to forgive, waiting will only delay your experience of the beauty that reconciliation brings. There is so much pain in life that stems from knowingly postponing actions we know we will eventually take, choosing instead to indulge in self-pity or procrastination.
I hope to find a simple way to help people overcome the emotions that make procrastination seem rational, but the only advice I can offer is this: occasionally remind yourself of how unworthy those practices actually are.
Waiting until you feel ready to take action is a bad habit to cultivate. It is similar to what I mentioned earlier – waiting until you feel prepared to begin something is a habit that is difficult to break. I have experienced countless times where I lingered in the planning stage for too long without taking action.
In fact, positive emotions usually come after we take healthy, proactive actions, not the other way around.
Your children are constantly watching how you handle conflicts, absorbing lessons like a sponge. If you have children or grandchildren around you, do not underestimate what they learn from you. They are not just learning from your words and actions but also from your attitudes and values.
A few weeks ago, when I found it difficult to forgive one of my children, the child asked my wife, “Is dad still mad at me?” Those words shattered my heart and made me realize that I want to leave a legacy of a beautiful life for my children, not show them someone who clings onto pain and refuses to let go.
Taking the first step is something you can control. There are too many things in life that are beyond our control, and people’s actions are certainly one of them. The solution is to lead by example.
Each day of hesitation means losing another day of irreplaceable time. As I age, especially after having five children, I increasingly feel the fleeting passage of time. How many leisurely weekends do I have left to have my whole family living happily and healthily under one roof, enjoying peaceful moments at home together? Such days are much fewer than I hope for. Even wasting just one day feels regrettable.
Deciding to forgive early on holds one of the most beautiful aspects – you are giving a gift to your future self. Each choice to forgive gradually forms a habit, making it easier for you to make the same choice next time. I call this an “upward cycle.”
It’s like moving towards the direction you want to go, continuously progressing upwards. Each positive choice adds a little momentum, giving you the courage to make the next and the next positive choices.
And the best time to start all of this is now.