How to Quickly End Arguments Between Couples?
American psychologists pointed out that in order to avoid escalating arguments, the key is not to rush to persuade the other party, but to learn a high emotional intelligence “yielding” communication technique.
During arguments between couples or partners, discussions often easily stray off topic and escalate into mutual accusations. Issues that start as simple disagreements, such as changing plans without consulting the other or impulsive shopping without prior discussion, can quickly turn into blaming each other: “Do you really need to react like that?” “You always do this.” “You are being unreasonable.”
Once arguments become a situation where each is only concerned about proving their own rationality, both parties easily get caught in endless debates and mutual blame, making it harder to solve the original problem.
Psychologist Mark Travers, chief psychologist at Awake Therapy, suggests a method to prevent disputes from getting out of hand. He calls this approach “partial yield,” which involves moderate concessions during arguments, admitting where you were wrong to prevent the topic from shifting away from the original focus and turning into a blame game. However, this doesn’t mean you have to admit that everything was your fault or give up other viewpoints.
Travers explains that “partial yield” means that when arguing, if you realize you have made a mistake, you should admit it proactively instead of waiting for the partner to repeatedly ask for an apology. This approach is not difficult and can be naturally applied in everyday conversations by following four key points.
1. Specify where you went wrong:
“I should not have spoken like that in front of your mother,” is an appropriate response. Being vague like “Okay okay, it’s my fault!” can come off as insincere and unwilling to admit defeat, which can make your partner feel dismissed and resentful.
2. Avoid adding “buts” after admitting fault:
Adding a “but” after admitting fault will negate the effect of the admission. If you have a different perspective, you can bring it up later without immediately refuting. Simply acknowledging your mistake first allows the concession to stand alone.
3. Seize the moment and yield early:
If your partner begins bringing up past grievances, the effectiveness of “partial yield” diminishes. The best time to admit fault is when you realize you were wrong in a minor issue, admit it promptly.
4. Even if you are in the right, be willing to admit your mistake:
People often refuse to admit any fault because they feel they are right, and they are not willing to yield. For example: “You are right, that part was indeed my responsibility.” “You are right, I did forget to inform you first.” “I shouldn’t have made decisions without consulting you first.”
Travers notes that “partial yield” can release the emotional pressure accumulated during disputes, making the other party feel understood and more easily calm their emotions. It usually does not make either party feel like the loser. By sincerely admitting where you went wrong, partners can refocus on the core issue, find solutions together, and avoid getting caught in a deadlock of mutual blame and endless arguments. According to Travers, based on his experience, there is no method more effective in quickly easing conflicts than this.
Travers says that partners who are accustomed to timely admitting fault and willing to yield in minor matters usually do not accumulate too many “grudges for later settlement,” nor do they bring up past dissatisfactions easily during arguments. Their arguments often focus on the current conflict trigger, rather than constantly bringing up old issues, which prevents arguments from escalating.
In addition, compared to complete admission of fault, partial yielding is easier to achieve. Travers explains, “Many people are unwilling to admit fault not because they think they have no fault at all, but because they are afraid that admitting a part of it equates to admitting all faults, so they refuse to admit anything.”
This article was referenced from CNBC’s report.