When Sarah Borsheim started feeling disappointed with online dating, an old high school acquaintance – Guillermo Bunze, who was looking for a new church, reached out to her through social media. Several days later, Bunze took her to church, and they spent a long day together, discovering many commonalities. Weeks later, Borsheim realized that Bunze had become the first person she thought of. It was during a dinner together that the sparks of love finally ignited.
“Suddenly, we started seeing each other in a different light,” Borsheim told Epoch Times, “We were both nervous, worried that the other still saw us as just friends.”
The experience of this couple reveals a fact about modern dating – the algorithms of dating apps have yet to decipher the secrets of “love.” True chemistry requires close proximity between people to manifest. Instead of rushing to sign up for dating apps before Valentine’s Day, returning to traditional ways might be more effective. Increasing evidence suggests that face-to-face dating leads to more success and satisfaction.
Today, over half of singles under the age of 30 use dating apps. However, there is a growing body of evidence suggesting that digital ways of dating may have fundamental flaws as they fail to predict what might happen when two individuals come face to face.
Joan Nwosu, a life coach and writer focusing on matchmaking, views “sparks” as signals of attraction and the starting point of any relationship.
“‘Sparks’ are the initial and fundamental manifestation of attractiveness,” she told Epoch Times, “It’s these sparks that spark people’s interest in each other.”
Whether meeting someone online or in real life, different types of “sparks” can be generated. According to a study published in Perspectives on Psychological Science, sparks can include physical attraction, romance, cultural resonance, intellectual compatibility, and caring resonance. Nwosu points out that the “sparks” online may occur too early.
Even with good intentions, online daters tend to subconsciously embellish their profiles to present an idealized version of themselves, aiming to attract their desired match. She suggests that real-life sparks provide more information, including one’s presence, level of confidence, sense of humor, and whether the person makes you feel secure.
Many daters seek not only “sparks” but also a “chemical reaction.” According to the author of the article, a chemical reaction requires interactions between two or more individuals, producing an effect that neither party can achieve alone, thereby emphasizing the importance of face-to-face experiences.
“This may be why online daters struggle to determine if there will be a chemical reaction between them by reading online profiles,” wrote the author, “The interactive nature of chemical reactions may also explain why there is currently no scientifically acknowledged evidence proving the effectiveness of matching algorithms promoted by some online dating services.”
The author likened the “interactive generation” aspect of chemical reactions to a quarterback’s pass, where the player passes the ball to a precise location, precisely where the receiver and the ball will meet.
In addition to the “interactive generation” feature, researchers point out three other characteristics of a chemical reaction. It only exists between specific individuals and cannot be replicated with anyone else. It involves non-verbal elements such as body language, eye contact, and synchronous movements. It also differs from other intimate relationships, such as strong physical attraction or emotional bonds with family and friends.
The article suggests that a chemical reaction creates a connection referred to by observers as “magnetic.” This connection may be manifested through characteristics such as charm, authenticity, and the ease of natural conversation.
For those using online dating but feeling lower satisfaction and love, increasing the probability of success can be achieved by arranging offline meetings promptly.
A study published in the Journal of Computer-Mediated Communication indicates that if online daters delay meeting offline, they may cross a so-called “tipping point.” Beyond this stage, they may find it increasingly challenging to reconcile the differences between the real person and the idealized partner they imagined.
The researchers wrote, “The tipping point likely represents the formation of a highly idealized impression. This impression can make online daters more prone to experiencing expectancy discrepancies and uncertainty upon initial face-to-face meetings.” In other words, allowing idealized fantasies to dominate one’s thoughts can lead to disappointment when meeting in person.
Borsheim experienced this firsthand. When she tried online dating, she always left the decision of when to meet in person up to the man. Once, after chatting online for a month before meeting, by the third month, the relationship gradually waned due to the extended wait.
“We really hit it off online; our communication via texts was very smooth,” she said, “But when it came to real life, we needed time to adjust and didn’t interact as well.”
Some singles are gradually distancing themselves from dating apps and turning to carefully designed offline activities. Kristy Sims, with her mission to create opportunities for singles bestowed upon her by God following bad dating experiences, founded “The Table Collective.” This organization is housed in a historic mansion in her community, where retro-style dinner parties are held for Christian singles, accompanied by live music.
“I wanted to create an experience that takes people back in time. Back then, people had different ways of dating – men would approach women proactively and pursue them,” Sims told Epoch Times.
The events she organizes include appetizers, formal dinners, and question-and-answer sessions at each table. Many participants tell her they don’t want the night to end. Before leaving, everyone fills out a form, checking the photo of the participant of the opposite sex they felt a “spark” with – similar to passing ‘Will you go out with me?’ notes from student days. However, only Sims sees the answers, and ultimately, only mutually selected matches are publicly revealed.
So far, this method has yielded favorable results. In the first event, the matching rate of pairs mutually selecting each other reached 93%, a percentage that has been maintained at around 70% in subsequent dinners.
“In just five minutes, the entire mansion was filled with energy. People were laughing and having a great time,” Sims said. “It was the most surprising scene, and most of it happened naturally.”
Nwosu prefers such carefully curated offline modes over online dating or speed dating. She believes that the latter two often create an eager “pick me” atmosphere. Events organized around shared interests, such as hiking or book clubs, help people feel more authentic, relaxed, notice others more easily, and ask meaningful questions.
As Sims introduced, hosting single events has brought about an unexpected benefit of significant changes in social interactions for many who haven’t dated for years – some even up to 30 years. She hears participants sharing how they started naturally encountering more social opportunities in their daily lives.
“The way they are approaching the world has changed,” she said, “They are more open, telling themselves, ‘I can do this. I am worthy of love. I am confident.'”
Much of Nwosu’s work revolves around helping people with their dating experiences. She found that many daters tend to imitate others’ behaviors, hoping that the same strategies will work for them. Instead, she helps clients understand their genuine selves, which, in turn, helps them attract suitable dating partners.
Nwosu has often found herself assisting people in ridding themselves of social constructs’ influence. For instance, some notions lead women to believe that men prefer partners who are quiet, gentle, always happy, and possess feminine qualities.
“But three months later, you can’t stay quiet all the time, and men are left wondering, ‘Who is this crazy woman?'” she said.
Although regained confidence and authenticity can enhance the online dating experience, she still cautions most people not to overly rely on these platforms. She states that women, in particular, often try to fit their idealized partner image into reality forcefully, likening this practice to Cinderella’s stepsisters trying to squeeze into her glass slipper, which is almost impossible to achieve.
Face-to-face dating not only helps generate “chemical reactions” but also facilitates long-term, genuine communication, aiding both parties in determining compatibility for long-term interaction.
Discussing long-term goals and life dreams is a crucial part of dating. However, many relationships tend to focus only on “sparks” and surface-level compatibility, overlooking what Nwosu referred to as “conscious alignment” – whether two individuals want to grow together in the same direction.
“More and more relationships are falling apart because people wake up 20 years later, realizing that this relationship is not suitable for them,” she said, “When you ask them why, the answer is always the same – our lives have taken different directions. I really hope to help the next generation solve this problem.”