In our lifetime, we are constantly faced with choices – which school to attend, what career to pursue, who to marry, where to settle down, and more. Interestingly, we often find ourselves longing for lives we didn’t choose, imagining them to be happier and more fulfilling than our current reality. Experts explain that the allure of these unchosen lives lies in their untested nature – they have not been subjected to the challenges of reality.
American psychologist Itai Ivtzan, a professor at Naropa University and the director of the School of Positive Transformation, shared in a Psychology Today article that many of his clients often fantasize about alternative versions of their lives.
In these alternate realities, they have found the “right” partner, moved to a beautiful place in the world, left a certain job, or taken up a different career. The selves in these imagined lives always seem happier and more fulfilled than their current state.
However, what we often overlook is the unfair advantage of these unchosen lives – they are untouched by the realities that disturb us. Because they have never materialized, they have not disappointed or hurt us, exposed our flaws, become mundane or repetitive, or given rise to the difficulties that accompany real life.
Ivtzan likens these imagined lives to honeymoons – filled with promises of bliss before the challenges of marriage are faced.
It is crucial to realize that many individuals invest their energy into an imagined, potential life, rather than the one they have actually chosen.
He emphasizes that staying put is not the only option. If a relationship, job, location, or any other choice feels wrong, it is entirely valid to change course. However, if you choose to remain where you are, it’s worth fully immersing yourself in that choice and truly experiencing it.
While we may have rooted ourselves in one garden, we often divert half of our attention to gardens that exist only in our imaginations. Subsequently, we perceive the dryness of the real garden as evidence of choosing the wrong spot, not realizing that we are wasting our resources on a fictional garden while our true roots suffer drought.
Ivtzan references the concept of counterfactual thinking in psychology, the ability to imagine how the past could have unfolded differently.
For instance, you might think, “If only I hadn’t broken up with my ex…” “If I had stuck it out a little longer in my previous job…” “If only I had moved to Thailand…”
This kind of thinking pulls us from reality into a world of regrets and frustrations.
While keeping all possibilities open might seem liberating, it could hinder the depth we seek, a depth that can only be achieved through setting limits and investing. Sometimes, genuine freedom comes from proactively closing a door.
In conclusion, if you don’t wholeheartedly invest your energy, care, intimacy, and sincerity into the choices you’ve made, how will you ever know if they truly suit you?