In the journey of life, people inevitably experience emotional wounds in aspects such as love, family, or friendship and try to heal from the past. However, experts say that doing so will not make you feel happy because emotional pain does not come from the past, but from what you are currently focusing on.
American psychologist and writer Jennice Vilhauer wrote in Psychology Today that many people believe they need to heal past wounds before they can feel happy. While this sounds logical, it’s not entirely true.
Vilhauer explains that we can only experience emotions in the present – whether good or bad. The emotions you feel now do not stem from the past but from what you are currently paying attention to.
Neuroscience confirms this viewpoint. Your emotional state is directly related to where your attention is focused. This means that unless you are overly concerned with something, nothing can emotionally harm you.
This doesn’t mean that painful things didn’t happen, but rather, unless you refocus your attention on these things, your brain won’t relive them.
Vilhauer points out that the human brain is naturally wired to pay attention to potential threats. Even if you don’t intentionally dwell on old wounds, negative memories or worries can unknowingly steal your focus. When this happens, you not only remember the situation but also relive the emotions of that time.
People often think that’s just how their minds work, but once you realize you are fixating on things causing you pain, you can regain the power to make different choices.
She mentioned that focusing on one thing (like writing a gratitude journal) automatically suppresses competing negative thoughts. This is why writing a gratitude journal can quickly alter your emotional state – when your brain is focused on the right things, it can’t get entangled in unpleasant ones.
When you’re feeling down, Vilhauer suggests a few simple methods to improve your mood:
1. Pay attention to your emotions. If you feel anxious, angry, or sad, ask yourself, “What am I focusing on right now?”
2. Identify the category of emotions. Almost all your feelings can be divided into two categories: what you want – love, friends, success, and what you don’t want – enemies, lack of money, arguments with loved ones.
3. Shift your focus. Once you realize you’re fixating on what you don’t want, redirect your attention to what you’re currently doing. For example, think about a goal, a memory that makes you smile, or things you’re grateful for.
This isn’t avoidance but selective attention. Studies show that learning to shift attention away from painful thoughts is one of the most effective emotional management strategies.
Vilhauer says you can’t control everything that happens in life, but you can control where your focus lies, and this decision will impact other aspects.
If you always focus on what’s missing or what could go wrong, your emotions will reflect that. However, if you try to focus on what you want, the positive and achievable things, your life will start moving in that direction.
It’s not about pretending everything is fine but regaining the power to control your inner self.
You don’t need to heal every wound from the past to feel better. You just need to shift your focus and stop dwelling on it.