People sometimes feel lonely, even in the company of family and friends. If you return home after spending time with others only to find yourself feeling sad, you may be experiencing “contrast loneliness.” The causes and ways to deal with this issue have been discussed by experts.
According to the Huffington Post, Lindsey Rae Ackerman, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, mentioned that “contrast loneliness,” also known as post-social loneliness, is not uncommon.
Helene D’Jay, the Director of Youth Services at Newport Healthcare, stated that the belief that being surrounded by others will prevent loneliness is entirely false. You may feel lonely both when you are out with others and afterward.
Understanding the reasons behind “contrast loneliness” and how to deal with it can help identify the most meaningful types of social interactions for you, thus reducing the likelihood of experiencing such feelings.
Kasley Killam, a social scientist trained at Harvard University, emphasized that one shouldn’t expect every interaction with friends to be great.
However, some people may be more prone to feeling lonely after social interactions than others. Killam mentioned that introverted individuals might be more likely to experience “contrast loneliness” because they are more susceptible to exhaustion and may need time alone to recharge their social energy after being around too many stimuli or people they don’t feel close to.
Clinical psychologist Paul Losoff highlighted that individuals dealing with inner depression, anxiety, or struggles may feel lonely due to negative self-dialogue, hindering them from being present in the moment.
Losoff pointed out that feeling unable to be one’s authentic self can also lead to “contrast loneliness.”
He explained, “Perhaps one feels they cannot show their true selves, or they may feel misunderstood, overlooked, unrecognized, or unappreciated. All these factors could lead individuals to feel lonely and disconnected even when spending time with others.”
Julianne Holt-Lunstad, a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Brigham Young University, mentioned that going through difficult times, such as recent loss of a loved one, can also make individuals more susceptible to feeling lonely. “Depression can make one feel lonely, even in the company of others.”
Holt-Lunstad shared that one of the most common reasons for “contrast loneliness” is unmet social expectations or discrepancies between expectations and actual relationships. For instance, if you expect more from meeting friends, like having deeper conversations, but reality falls short, feeling disappointment afterward is normal.
D’Jay suggested that if someone seeks fulfillment through deeper emotional connections, superficial interactions in social settings may leave them feeling lonely afterward.
Ackerman advised that practicing self-compassion might help if you are in the throes of “contrast loneliness.” Remind yourself that there is nothing wrong with you; it’s just that the social situation didn’t meet your expectations.
Losoff pointed out that thinking about what a “do-over” would look like when reflecting can be beneficial. Do you prefer individual interactions over group gatherings? Would you like to change the environment or activities? These can be useful considerations when planning future gatherings.
Killam suggested that thinking about social interactions that bring you satisfaction can also be helpful. While some interactions may feel dull, it doesn’t mean you should avoid them altogether.
Holt-Lunstad stated, “Any social interaction that doesn’t meet your expectations can trigger feelings of loneliness. This doesn’t mean you should avoid these interactions but rather understand why they make you feel lonely. Social interactions are complex. Negative interactions could be a result of the situation, others’ personalities or behaviors, your own traits and actions, your interpretation, or a combination of these factors.”
Ackerman mentioned that reconstructing an experience could also be beneficial. Focus on the positive aspects of that experience. Many mental health experts emphasize the importance of gratitude, as it can be effective.
Holt-Lunstad advised, “If you have had a great time with someone and felt a close connection, but then felt lonely after it ended, you can take small measures to maintain that relationship.”
She suggested sharing photos from the gathering, staying in touch, and planning future get-togethers. These actions help sustain relationships on both sides.
If feelings of loneliness persist, Losoff and D’Jay both recommend seeking therapy. Therapists can help identify the root causes of loneliness and find specific ways for you to combat it.