In our midst, there are many people who have been kind to us, willingly bestowing favors upon us to make our lives better. Do we take their efforts for granted? Unfortunately, many people do. Our current era seems to have a problem with ingratitude becoming prevalent. This phenomenon may stem from a lack of moral upbringing or the collapse of values. It could be a consequence of economic prosperity or an outcome of cultural decline. It is an objectively existing phenomenon and a problem that we cannot avoid.
Think of all the benefactors around us: parents, siblings, employers, colleagues, teachers, pastors, bakers, butchers, winemakers, painters, publishers, gardeners, financial advisors, entrepreneurs, and more. They have all done things for us that would never happen in a state of nature. They have all contributed to our well-being and happiness.
Do we recognize this? Are we grateful for it? For many people, perhaps not.
We observe a typical pattern. The first time someone does a good deed, they receive warm praise; the second time, only a nod of acknowledgment; the third time, people start to expect them to continue doing so. When they stop, the result is resentment, anger, and even rage from others. This is strange because the third act of kindness is no different from the first. Stopping is just a return to the original state. Following this pattern, the next stage is what Italian poet and philosopher Dante (1265-1321) in the European Renaissance identified as the most serious sin: betrayal of one’s benefactors.
Why do we act this way? It is related to consciousness and expectations. When we consider by any historical standard times of abundance, whether materially or in terms of opportunities, awareness of what we have received from others gradually diminishes in our minds, replaced by an expectation that these things should exist forever, then turning into a demand that they must always be present.
Perhaps all living beings are like this, hence the saying not to feed a stray cat. It will come back the next day, wanting the same milk. I once knew an elderly couple who drove three miles every day to feed a group of stray cats and their kittens under a bridge. They spent a lot of money on this, persisting for several years. It made them happy, so they continued. It made them feel needed.
My primary point is, animals are naturally like this. We train them to be so. Dogs, horses, cats, pigeons, and squirrels, with a little bit of food as a reward, can perform astonishing behaviors in a repetitive manner. We say these animals are “trained.” We do not expect them to be grateful; we know it is instinctual, even though dogs often create the illusion of emotional attachment to their benefactors.
Humans, however, are different. With rational and moral reasoning abilities, we expect them to be grateful for things that would not happen without the goodwill of others. It requires thoughtful reflection and a certain detachment from immediate abstract thinking. Humans can perceive that without mercy and grace, we would not have what we possess. Gratitude means appreciating the sacrifices others make for us.
Ingratitude is like a spoiled child who always assumes that all happiness naturally lies within life. However, over time, they come to realize it is not the case: failing exams, not making the sports team, struggling to find a job, getting dumped by a partner, being fired from a job, or any other situation where their entitlement is frustrated. It is truly very painful.
Yet, this pain is perhaps, and almost certainly, a prerequisite for character growth. The main reason is that pain cultivates a person’s capacity for gratitude, making us aware of what life would be like without kindness. Nobody wants pain, but we need it to correct our understanding, to understand which people and which actions are crucial for us to live better lives.
My father was once a choir conductor at the church. I remember every Sunday, he endured immense pressure, worrying that someone might not show up to sing in the choir. I also remember how disheartened and even angry he would become when a lead singer missed rehearsal or quit.
Later, I followed in his footsteps, and looking back, it was quite amusing! He gave me an important piece of advice. He said, for every bit of anger he felt about people not participating, he deeply regretted it. He said, genuine gratitude is easier and better when expressing it for any service provided by someone. If a key singer drops out, don’t be angry. You should sincerely thank them for all their past contributions and wish them the best.
On this point, my father was right. I did the same later on. You know what? Many times, the other person truly is amazed at my gratitude. It also motivated them, and whenever they had the opportunity, they came back to serve in the choir. That experience taught me the value of gratitude. Genuine gratitude is rare, but when it sincerely flows from the heart to others, it is always remembered.
Of course, not every situation requires expressing gratitude. Sometimes, expressing gratitude may seem like flattery, and nothing is more evident of insincerity and manipulation than that. A better approach is to simply feel gratitude in your heart. Your words and non-verbal communication will reflect the gratitude in your heart. This is an excellent way to establish a genuine bond between people.
Gratitude towards benefactors inspires unexpected acts of kindness. Feeling angry because others cannot serve is essentially punishing the good deeds of others. The British modern theologian G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936) in his work “Orthodoxy” also proposed another perspective: “The test of all happiness is gratitude.” Because being grateful for what others have done and are doing for you means you are closely connected with reality, not hoping for abundance without paying any cost.
Do you remember the funds that governments distributed to the public during the COVID-19 pandemic a few years ago? Were people happy about it? Of course. Everyone loves money. However, was there a heart full of gratitude? Not as strong as the joy. If there’s a problem with this, it sets the stage for the opposite scenario. When the funds dry up, people become angrier than ever, especially when they realize their existing income has substantially shrunk. Their purchasing power has been eroded by inflation.
The eventual result is a group of people filled with rage. Giving out money for free did not ultimately help. This is the problem with free offerings: people enjoy it initially, expect it the second time, demand it the third time. Once it stops, retaliation follows. From this incident, we can learn some life lessons, one of which is that the welfare state is not a reliable path to a happy populace.
I know some very wealthy people who, upon their passing, bequeathed all their assets to relevant institutions rather than their descendants. Why did they do this? Because the long-term experience of “trust fund kids” demonstrated that inheriting wealth does not necessarily create exceptional children; it can backfire. It breeds laziness, apathy, and ultimately, unhappiness. These are not the psychological frameworks that foster achievement; achieving is the only true path to self-esteem. The fathers who did this expressed love, even though their children did not always understand the elders’ good intentions.
Of course, this is not to say that passing on a substantial fortune to family is always wrong. However, when wealth is not passed down to children, the recipients need to recognize the sacrifices their fathers made for them and understand that their fathers did not want them to become victims of an entitlement mentality.
If each of us believes we are entitled to endless favors, whether material or emotional, this habitual mindset is unfortunate. This habit may accompany various forms of prosperity, but we should resist it. When others treat us well, we should be grateful and respond with goodwill. We should realize that such kindness is not a given. Even if kindness flows continuously, we are better off treating each instance as the first time and offering appropriate gratitude and acknowledgment.
The Meaning of Gratitude