In the process of accompanying children as they grow up, the issue of disappointment will always arise. Between the “indulgent” who try to avoid disappointing their children as much as possible and the “authoritarian” who often disappoints them, what do children really need?
“So, do we have to indulge them in everything?”
In the book “EQ,” Daniel Goleman quotes a study conducted by psychologist Walter Mischel on four-year-old children. Researchers proposed to the children: “Stay in this room. There is a marshmallow in that box, you can eat it now, but only one. Or you can wait until I come back from shopping, and I will give you two marshmallows.”
About one-third of the children rushed towards the candy once the experimenter left. Two-thirds of the children waited for him to return and received two candies. This experiment was conducted at a kindergarten at Stanford University, allowing tracking of the children’s academic progress in the future.
Twelve to fourteen years later, there was a significant difference in the psychological and social aspects between those who resisted temptation and others. Those who resisted temptation were more confident, decisive, efficient, and better at overcoming obstacles. They were stronger in the face of doubts, fears, and failures; had higher resilience, and knew how to pursue their goals even in difficulty.
Children who immediately ate the marshmallow had more chaotic psychological traits. They were more stubborn, indecisive, avoided contact with others, easily became dissatisfied when things didn’t go their way, and were more likely to give up when facing difficulties.
By the end of secondary education, the former group performed much better. Their grades were twenty percent higher than their peers! The ability to resist impulses and delay gratification is crucial for future development. Starting at the age of four, one can predict a child’s future abilities based on their performance.
Drug addicts and criminals, especially those who struggle with disappointment, find it particularly challenging. Their desires are easily thwarted by even the slightest obstacle, as if they have suffered a significant offense.
Handling disappointment, delaying gratification, and prioritizing the future over the present are fundamental elements in achieving happiness. It is helpful for realizing life plans and maintaining harmonious relationships with others.
Intentionally causing disappointment is destined to fail. Ignoring a crying baby, refusing to hug a slightly older child or give them gifts were strategies parents used in the past to avoid “spoiling” their children and teach them to deal with disappointment. However, these methods have all been proven ineffective.
Children may develop a heightened sensitivity to disappointment, making any delay in gratification unbearable for them. The lack of this skill leads to anxiety, and children might try to control this anxiety through dependencies (alcohol, drugs, smoking, partners, impulsive behavior). They may also become resistant, denying their own needs.
Seeing me breastfeed according to my children’s needs, responding to their demands, and refusing to let them cry alone in their room, some believe that we are turning our children into weak individuals who can’t handle disappointment. However, I found that both of my children can effectively deal with disappointment, in ways that are quite surprising for their ages.
A study in Sweden showed that instituting a “candy day” significantly reduced tooth decay. Children were allowed to eat sweets one day a week, while completely abstaining on other days. I thought this idea was great, not only for reducing cavities but also for setting non-restrictive limits on sweet intake. So, I proposed this to my four-year-old and two-year-old children.
We chose Saturday and informed our friends and family. Grandparents and uncles were not allowed to excessively tempt them. If they received candies on other days, we advised them to save them for Saturday. If they still ate them, we let it be, but they knew I wasn’t pleased. Generally, this was sufficient to limit excessive candy consumption. I would express disapproval but wouldn’t punish or scold them. They knew they didn’t have to “obey” me, but it was an agreement between us.
Usually, Margot would hand over her candy to me “to keep until Saturday” when she received it. Sometimes, I would see her hurriedly put the candy in her mouth or rush into a room to hide it in some corner. Compared to this significant learning process, sneaking one or two candies was not crucial. However, she needed to feel she had the freedom to choose to either eat the candy or keep it. Otherwise, disappointment would feel imposed upon her!
Even two-and-a-half-year-old Adrian would carefully hide the three candies a babysitter gave him until the next Saturday. Another time, he successfully kept a lollipop given to him at a restaurant all the way home and handed it over to me upon our return. However, when he woke up on Saturday (four days later), his first words were, “I want my lollipop.”