Relationship expert Amy Bellows stated, “Communication is the glue that holds relationships together.” Just as a building without mortar will slowly crumble, a marriage lacking communication will gradually deteriorate. Communication allows couples to stay in sync with each other, aligning on priorities, goals, and values, and most importantly, deepening the emotional connection between them.
Some dialogues are more important than others. The deeper the topics discussed, the stronger the connection between the couple. While some conversation topics may not seem profound on the surface, they are crucial for a healthy family life and can provide opportunities to strengthen the bond of marriage. Many misunderstandings and hurts in marriages stem from a lack of communication between partners. Over time, if communication does not improve, these misunderstandings will accumulate and erode the marriage, creating barriers between the two spouses, ultimately leading to emotional detachment.
On the other hand, psychologists and researchers have found that regularly discussing certain topics is not only a sign of a healthy relationship but also an effective way to sustain it.
Here are five essential conversations that married couples need to have, along with some suggestions on how to approach these dialogues.
Psychologist Mark Travers, who studies marital relationships, mentioned that in healthy relationships, couples actively discuss the state of their marriage. These couples consciously ask each other about their feelings regarding the marriage. Each spouse wants to know if they feel loved, respected, supported, and connected. These conversations provide an opportunity to address issues before they escalate into serious conflicts, enhancing the relationship and mutual trust between spouses, as it shows genuine commitment from both sides to maintain and improve the marriage.
Similarly, marriage therapist Lynda Spann suggests that discussing “marriage agreements” regularly, which are commitments made by both spouses, such as “We will always prioritize our marriage.” Spann says, “Discuss your goals as a couple. Additionally, what commitments do you need to make and uphold for the happiness and longevity of the marriage?”
If the couple already has children or plans to have them in the future, establishing shared parenting philosophies is crucial. Couples can reflect on their own upbringing, analyze which aspects of family life they want to continue and which traits to discard. Both partners need to share their vision for an ideal family culture and overall goals for their children’s growth. Only then can they work as an effective team for the benefit of their children and truly embody “mutual support.”
In addition to envisioning child-rearing, couples should also plan and dream about other future goals, whether it’s expanding their home, traveling abroad, or making career transitions. Marriage entails the most intimate sharing of life between two individuals, and part of that shared life is having common visions and values. When couples align on future aspirations, it strengthens their core bond in life and love.
Travers pointed out that even seemingly unattainable dreams are worth discussing. Engaging in conversations about various wild dreams and “what if” scenarios is not only enjoyable but also helps both partners understand each other better. Travers mentioned, “Even if a dream cannot be realized immediately, discussing it can make both parties appreciate each other’s values more.”
Greg Smalley, in an article for the international nonprofit organization “Focus on the Family,” refers to these types of conversations as “life-giving conversations.” He explained, “Life-giving conversations are meant to deepen your understanding of your partner and strengthen your bond. They are fun and affirming, expressing gratitude and interest in each other. Ask your partner questions that you’ve never asked before to explore each other’s hopes and dreams together.”
Financial planning plays an essential role in the stability of family and marriage. A survey found that 25% of married couples frequently argue with their spouses about money matters. This friction can be prevented to some extent through better communication, including outlining financial priorities. When couples are on the same page regarding financial issues, many troubles can be avoided. Couples should consider questions like: Are our financial needs being met? Do we need to adjust (or set) a budget? What significant expenses do we need to save for? What are our financial goals?
According to Smalley, these conversations don’t necessarily need to be deep but are vital. Discussing money, daily schedules, timetables, and other practical matters that require concrete action contributes to the smooth operation of a household – also preventing larger conflicts triggered by arguments over daily life surprises or household financial problems.
Deep connections often stem from vulnerability. Opening up to a spouse, discussing fears or worries, is not easy, but it can often give a new perspective on the marriage. One partner can comfort, support, and provide advice, leading to increased trust and a deeper sense of belonging for both parties. Travers wrote, “Over time, this daily emotional openness will build a solid sense of security for both partners. Neither will have to bear their burdens alone anymore.”
Similarly, addressing issues – whether internal or external to the marriage – provides unparalleled growth opportunities, even though the process may come with pain. Smalley noted that when there is hurt or loss experienced by one spouse, relevant conversations must take place. “Conversations centered around challenges can help us grow, both as individuals and as a couple. They can reveal our blind spots and compel us to make significant and necessary changes in life.” Sometimes, wounds must be addressed first for true healing to take place.
Conversation is an art, but sadly, few teach us how to master it. For all the above topics, communication skills make conversations more effective and help solidify marital relationships. Some topics require extra sensitivity and caution, such as addressing internal marital issues. When engaging in conversations with a spouse, several key points should be kept in mind.
First and foremost, always consider the interests of the spouse, as this is what we vowed to do at our wedding – to promote the welfare of the other, even if it means painful sacrifices at times. Important discussions should be based on this understanding and adherence to the marriage vows. Even critical opinions should not aim to diminish the other person, but to resolve difficulties so that the marriage can grow freely under the light, like a plant. The ultimate goal is always to maintain and further enhance the relationship.
Smalley used the term “grace” to explain this point. Conducting conversations with grace involves not only what is said but also what is not said – in other words, how one listens. Active listening ensures that both parties feel understood and heard, which is crucial for effective communication. According to the Harvard Business Review, active listening consists of three parts:
– The listener should focus entirely on the content of the partner’s conversation, including both explicit and implicit information.
– A good listener must maintain emotional balance, avoiding overreactions or hasty judgments on the partner’s words.
– Simply listening is not enough; each speaker needs to feel genuinely heard. A good listener will make this clear through verbal and non-verbal signals.
Especially when discussing life goals, dreams, and interests, expressing excitement and interest can be very helpful – lack of interest can extinguish passion. Showing interest in what matters to your partner can demonstrate love and care for each other.
The above topics and suggestions are by no means exhaustive – there are many other topics worth considering, and the art of good conversation cannot be summarized in a few paragraphs. However, it is hoped that the recommendations in this article will encourage couples to more consciously consider what they discuss and how they do so. Investing in communication ultimately helps married partners achieve their desires for intimacy and love for each other.