Aspiring parents all hope for their children to grow up healthy and happy, but experts point out that a certain habit in parenting can quietly harm them, outweighing the benefits in their eyes.
American psychologist and writer Jeffrey Bernstein wrote in Psychology Today that in his decades of working with children and families, he has observed a recurring parenting habit where parents instinctively try to solve problems, which he believes can silently harm children.
Bernstein stated that the instinct to solve problems is very human. When your child is hurt or in trouble, your first reaction as a loving parent is to lend a helping hand and provide solutions. However, solving problems may not always be helpful. It can make children feel misunderstood, neglected, or powerless.
He highlighted how this phenomenon manifests in children of different ages and recommended that parents adopt a more constructive approach.
Not every problem requires a solution. For example, when 7-year-old Jax burst into tears because his Lego tower collapsed, his mother rushed over with tape and glue to fix it. But Jax didn’t need help solving the problem; he needed someone to sit beside him and say, “Oh, that’s tough. When you’re ready, do you want to rebuild it together?”
Teach with empathy, not strategies. When 10-year-old Lila mentioned that no one played with her after school, her father suggested she try playing a new game and be more outgoing. However, what Lila needed was for someone to empathize with her situation. If her father said, “That sounds lonely,” she would feel understood and supported.
Sometimes the best support is silence. When 14-year-old Sophia raged at her parents after school, they started lecturing her about respect. But what she needed was personal space and their calm voice saying, “You seem to be struggling. I’ll be here when you’re ready.”
When trying to solve a problem backfires. When 18-year-old Eli was rejected in a college interview, he felt ashamed and told his mother. She immediately wrote an email to the admissions office. While her intentions were good, her action conveyed a lack of faith in Eli’s ability to handle this setback. She should have told Eli, “I believe in you. This isn’t the end of this matter.”
Bernstein emphasized that the instinct to solve problems stems from love, but true power lies in wholehearted involvement. Your children don’t need you to solve every problem; they need to feel capable, valued, and supported. You can achieve this by:
Start with being present for your child. Listen more and speak less. Stay calm before offering advice.
Acknowledge your child’s feelings, not just solve problems. Saying, “I understand how you’re feeling right now,” is more effective than saying, “You should do this.”
Empower your child to solve problems, don’t override them. Children build confidence by facing challenges themselves, not by receiving help.
Bernstein noted that what may seem like rebellious behavior is often a child saying, “You’re not listening to me.” When we teach them with empathy instead of urgency, everything begins to change.