Couples who spend their days and nights together are bound to have disagreements or friction from time to time. Handling your partner inappropriately during these times can potentially harm the relationship. Experts emphasize that intimacy between partners needs to be nurtured with care in order to maintain a strong bond, and individuals should steer clear of three painful ways that can hurt their significant others.
Psychologist and writer Jeffrey Bernstein in an article on Psychology Today pointed out that initially during first encounters and the early stages of a romantic relationship, individuals typically put their best foot forward. However, as time goes by, people often let their guard down and respond to their partners in ways that may be off-putting.
Bernstein highlighted how it’s easy for individuals to overlook how valuable and special their partners are within their intimate relationships. When individuals engage in behaviors such as belittling their partner’s feelings by saying phrases like “you’re overreacting,” “it’s not a big deal,” or “you’re too sensitive,” it erodes trust between partners. Even if one is attempting to de-escalate a situation, such responses can make the other party feel dismissed and judged.
For instance, a woman named Lisa sought marriage counseling with Bernstein due to issues in her relationship with her husband Aaron. She shared how in the past Aaron used to express his passion for her, but in recent years, whenever she brought up important matters in their relationship, he would simply dismiss her. This lack of validation ultimately led to the deterioration of their relationship.
Bernstein stressed that harboring resentment and keeping score internally about things like who apologizes last, who makes the first move to mend a situation, or who does more household chores, only fuels animosity and conflict.
When Ed and Joanna sought counseling from Bernstein for their marital issues centering around constant arguments, he encouraged them to deeply reflect and share one to three things they cherish about each other.
Ed promptly expressed, “Joanna is an amazing mother, she stood by me when I was unemployed, and she used to be my best friend.” Joanna, teary-eyed, reciprocated Ed’s sentiments with gratitude, saying, “Ed is loyal, a great cook, and very witty.”
Although simple acts of sharing each other’s strengths doesn’t instantaneously resolve all their problems, it does create a safe emotional space for them to engage in introspection and acknowledge that guiding each other through gratitude, fostering trust, is a healthier way to foster a relationship.
Bernstein, referencing renowned American marriage expert and psychologist John Gottman, stated that engaging in a cold war mentality leads to frustration. The classic cold war approach involves shutting down, refusing to communicate, which isn’t conducive for the future of any marital relationship.
Bernstein recounted a situation with Emma in his office, arms crossed rigidly across her chest, remaining silent as Sam tried to discuss financial matters with her but faced her silence.
Emma revealed that when she attempted to talk to him about money, his reaction mirrored her current standoffishness. Sam’s reaction was as if a truck had hit him. He began to weep, expressing, “Emma, I’m truly sorry. When my mom was feeling down and I asked her for things, she would act just like this. Now I understand, she was incredibly anxious and didn’t know how to broach the subject.”
In conclusion, Bernstein underscored that love requires careful nurturing to ensure its solidity. The more you avoid neglecting emotions, holding onto grudges, and building emotional barriers, the smoother your future relationship will be.