When people do something wrong, they usually feel guilty, which is a natural emotion and can last for a long time. Experts say that in some cases, guilt can become toxic and be used by others to manipulate you.
American professional counselor Jamie Cannon wrote on Psychology Today that guilt is a common emotion that often leads to deep self-reflection, making people consider the impact of their actions on others, thus becoming a catalyst for behavior change.
Recent studies have explored how guilt can effectively change behavior. Although there is evidence that this emotion indeed has positive prosocial effects, it also has potential negative impacts. Chronic or toxic guilt can lead to anxiety, depression, and even damage the immune system.
When it comes to emotions, Cannon stated that manipulators are adept at identifying and using them to their advantage to make others yield to their will. Both positive and negative emotions in the hands of a long-term manipulator can become deadly, with guilt often being one of the most widely exploited emotions.
Cannon mentioned common signs that manipulators may utilize guilt as a tool to control you, allowing you to protect yourself from harm:
Manipulators rarely take responsibility for the true motives behind their behaviors. Most of their time is spent convincing others that they are, to some extent, victims themselves. These individuals excel at persuading others that they have been hurt – and the obedience of those who have hurt them is the best compensation.
It appears as a form of punishment for those they believe have harmed them in some way. They believe they have the right to impose their will on these individuals, even forcing them to do things they would normally refuse. All of this stems from a sense of guilt.
Manipulators swiftly seize upon your guilt and redirect it towards you, subtly implying that these emotions are the very reason you should allow yourself to be treated as they see fit. If they make you believe they are the true victims and leverage your empathy in the process, their next step is to exploit this victory to ensure you yield to their desires.
Those who remind you of everything they have done for you may use it as a manipulation tool, letting you know that you should feel guilty for not meeting their expectations. Statements like “I care about you the most” or “I have always done these things for you” are suggestive remarks aimed at triggering your negative guilt and making you submit to them.
Manipulators remember their successes for a long time, but your successes are only briefly remembered. If someone constantly focuses on everything you’ve done wrong and emphasizes what they have done right, it should serve as a warning that they are using guilt to manipulate you.
Cannon pointed out that manipulators keep a list of favors they deem others owe them, and their positive actions are always done with ulterior motives. If a long-term manipulator offers help in some way, you can be sure they will later view it as a favor. In fact, they often provide assistance without being asked and even continue to do so after being told not to, merely to feel superior in the relationship.
Manipulators are deeply concerned about their image in the eyes of others, leading those around them to believe that their relationships are unequal, a common coercive tool. When you hear subtle reminders of someone expecting rewards for helping you in some way, it’s time to reevaluate that relationship.
Guilt should not be the driving force behind doing good deeds or going above and beyond for others – that will only leave you feeling empty about the relationship on both sides.
Cannon concluded by saying that guilt is powerful because of its intensity and the difficulty in resolving it. These two characteristics make guilt a perfect tool for long-term manipulators to control you.
She stated, “If you let guilt become toxic and a tool for others to control you, it can severely impact your physical health, mental well-being, and future relationships, potentially with long-lasting effects.”