After years of being together, couples often think they know each other well, leading to a lack of communication or responding to each other’s words or actions without much thought. However, the actual situation may not always align with one’s assumptions, causing harm to the relationship. Experts suggest that by developing two simple habits, marriages can become stronger, more intimate, and more flexible.
American psychologist Mark Travers wrote in Psychology Today that subtle behaviors and actions are what slowly change the emotional tone and expectations within a marriage. These behaviors act as the true pillars of a relationship, allowing both partners to explore, grow, and develop together.
Travers mentioned that two simple behaviors can significantly contribute to the long-term development and strength of a marriage:
When conversing with your spouse, saying “How was your day?” or “You’re going on another trip.” are remarkably different expressions.
After spending time with someone, it’s easy to feel like you “understand” them. While familiarity can bring comfort, it can also lead to assumptions. We tend to fill in the blanks in their behaviors, thinking: “Oh, they’re stressed again.” “She’s clearly mad at me.” “They always act this way when they’re angry.”
However, making assumptions can hinder further discussions, while asking questions opens the door for dialogue. By replacing judgment with genuine curiosity, we can give our partners the space to show a vibrant, ever-evolving individual, rather than the one we have in our minds.
A study from 2017 showed that feeling understood doesn’t always equate to truly being understood. Even when others understand us, we often feel misunderstood, and vice versa.
By asking instead of assuming, you increase the chance of your partner truly feeling understood because you leave room for their current experiences, rather than projecting your own opinions onto them.
Travers suggested not telling your partner, “You’ve been distant lately.” Instead, try saying, “I’ve noticed some distance between us. How are you feeling recently?”
When something triggers us, whether it’s a careless remark, a missed communication opportunity, or a detected oversight, our nervous system immediately reacts. We often succumb to this pressure, impulsively speaking out before understanding the other person’s intentions, or falling into a low emotional state before resolving the issue.
So, how can we handle this differently? Just pause for a moment. Take a deep breath and say, “Let me take a moment before responding.”
This doesn’t mean suppressing your emotions but giving yourself time to process them before they control your responses. You still feel, but now you’re choosing your response instead of being hijacked by emotions.
A study from 2018 on mindfulness, defined as nonjudgmental present-moment awareness, highlighted the crucial role intentional pauses play in regulating stress responses.
Taking a moment before responding usually prevents situations from escalating further and creates space for empathy, perspective-taking, and healthier behavioral options.
Travers suggested two methods to pause before responding:
● Practice the “Three Breaths Rule” – When your emotions are triggered, slowly inhale three times and exhale three times, repeating this three times. This allows you more time to regulate emotions and maintain clarity of mind.
● Engage in self-reflection – Ask yourself, “Is my response to improve the relationship or control the other person?” This can help you slow down, choose a more compassionate response, and protect your relationship.
Travers stated that this simple pause can prevent you from saying words that build emotional walls when what you truly desire is a bridge for communication.