Two-year-old Bella sobbed in despair. Her cup slipped from her hand, and her mom had just yelled at her. She didn’t mean to do it!
Seven-year-old Jacob hid in his room, trying to stay as quiet as possible. He was scared that his dad would find the papers stuck to the desk, one after another. It wasn’t his fault; he just wanted to fix the toys he accidentally broke. He knew that if he told his dad, he would get a lecture like, “If you put things away properly, this wouldn’t happen.” So, he preferred to fix it himself.
But tragedy struck nonetheless.
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As he was busy assembling the parts of the toy truck, the cat jumped on the desk, knocking over the glue container onto the papers!
Parents often lose their temper with their children over trivial matters and forget what should be their top priority.
For a broken vase, spilled water, a piece of clothing left in the living room, a missing toy, they shout and rage. This could likely harm their children. They value bouquets, the living room sofa, and grandma’s vase more than their own children.
“What is most precious to me?” is the first question we should ask ourselves before intervening.
Parents are adults, with brains capable of suppressing unconscious reactions and choosing behavior patterns based on values and goals, but children’s brains cannot do that.
If my answer is, “What is most precious to me is my child’s love and trust in me, or never feeling ashamed in front of them,” I will protect that love and trust.
If my answer is, “What is most precious to me is my mother-in-law’s opinion of me, a tidy kitchen, or my own peace,” I will not react the same way. I am likely to protect my image as a good mother or homemaker, even my peace of mind.
Of course, this choice is often unconscious, making it even more powerful.
Your child hears your subconscious! For them, your reactions carry more weight than your words.
If you get angry over a broken vase or a stain on their shirt, humiliating and hurting them, they will believe that the vase or shirt is more important than them.
Besides all the “I love you, little one” whispers at other times, they will absorb messages like “I am not important to mom” or “I am only loved when I am perfect.”
Realizing what drives our reactions towards children can profoundly change our behavior.
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Theodore’s relationship with his mother was terrible. In his childhood, he suffered from his mother’s insults and disdain. Now, as a mother himself, Theodore’s mother treats her grandchildren in an unbearable manner.
She ignores her older brother, openly showing favoritism towards the younger one. She buys him a pile of gifts, takes him to the zoo or the movies. Theodore, who couldn’t react to her mother before, said nothing. After questioning what is most precious to herself, she realized that her behavior protected her mother or, more accurately, her hope that “mother will eventually love her,” but this harmed her child.
However, this simple awareness was enough; the child’s happiness is more precious than complying with the mother—hence, Theodore took a clear stand against her mother, and her mother, facing her determination, quickly stopped her destructive antics.
Children will inevitably disrupt the existing order of their parents; this is normal. If parents do not let children disrupt their order, if they continue to “live as before,” as if the child does not exist, not changing their lifestyle, work, or leisure rhythm, the child may conclude that they are unimportant and even unworthy of proper existence. This can lead to feelings of shame (“I am annoying”) and inferiority (“I am not good enough”).
Children need to feel cherished, have a place in existence, feel important, and have their needs and reality acknowledged.
“What is most precious to me?”
This question has helped me: when I was woken up several times at night, when the peony in my yard was accidentally attacked by a pair of little legs that I couldn’t stop, when the work I just completed on my computer was deleted by a two-year-old’s unfortunate move, or when I felt tired but had to bend down to clean the floor.
For me, what is most precious is the love and confidence of my children, without a doubt. I also hope they can trust me. Therefore, my path is clear: never harm, deceive, humiliate, betray them, or make them feel fearful; in all situations, I will be honest, show my emotions, listen to theirs, help them love themselves, appreciate their abilities, and responsibly fulfill their duties.
When children disturb our space, when we don’t know how to respond, when we feel like we are not acting according to them but through the eyes of our parents or others, let’s ask ourselves:
What is most precious to me?
(Translated from a website article)