Editor’s note:
When we care a lot about how others feel but are not used to respecting our own feelings, we may have emotional responses when facing other people’s feelings.
We are often too accustomed to taking responsibility for other people’s emotions and feelings, hoping that others’ emotions can get better. (“Habitually Playing the Victim? Other People’s Emotions Have Nothing to Do with You”)
“Anger” as a coping strategy is a common response to “habitually taking on responsibility for others’ emotions.” Sometimes this anger may not be expressed directly, but it can turn into a sense of irritability, making us feel restless, eventually manifesting as “anger.”
Let me give two examples to illustrate:
Recently, due to work reasons, Xiao Wen moved out of the house she had lived in for over twenty years to a rental place just a ten-minute walk from her company to avoid long commutes. Xiao Wen knew that her mother, who she was very close to, would not adjust well, so she made sure to go back home every weekend to have a meal with her.
Each time she went home, her mother would be very happy, preparing lots of Xiao Wen’s favorite foods. However, as the time got later, closer to when Xiao Wen had to leave, her mother would start sighing and sometimes say, “Sigh! What’s the use of raising children? No matter how good you are to them, they will still leave you.” Sometimes her mother wouldn’t say anything, just looking at the empty house and sighing.
During those times, Xiao Wen would feel very uncomfortable. She noticed that she was becoming more irritable towards her mother, especially when her mother seemed lonely or disappointed, leading Xiao Wen to become irritable and act harshly towards her mother.
Xiao Wen actually didn’t like herself behaving like this. She knew her mother wasn’t adapting well to living alone and felt sorry for her loneliness. However, for some reason, she couldn’t comfort her mother properly and would only end up feeling irritable or angry. When she faced her mother with irritation and anger, her mother would always get hurt. Seeing her mother’s hurt expression made Xiao Wen feel awful…
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Zhao Ming returned home feeling very upset. Today, he was scolded by his boss and the project he was in charge of had been facing issues and not going smoothly, causing Zhao Ming a lot of stress. As soon as he got home, Zhao Ming didn’t want to talk at all. After taking a shower, he just sat on the couch and silently switched on the TV.
His wife, seeing Zhao Ming’s expression, couldn’t help but ask, “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing,” Zhao Ming replied.
“Don’t say nothing. Your face shows that something’s bothering you,” his wife said with a pout.
In his mind, Zhao Ming sighed. “I just want to rest a bit. I’ve been working all day, can’t you let me relax?”
Upon hearing this, his wife immediately got angry, “What kind of thing is that to say? I’m worried about you, and you shouldn’t bring your work stress home…”
And so, the two of them started quarreling.
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These two examples both show
clear blurred emotional boundaries:
habitually believing that other people’s emotions are my responsibility.
So,
when we face someone else’s bad mood, we subconsciously take on the responsibility for their emotions. Therefore, we try to reverse and improve the situation, but when we realize that it’s not possible, we may feel angry.
Because,
what we don’t say out loud or don’t realize is: “I feel the other person’s bad mood might be because of me.”
For instance, Xiao Wen feels: her mother’s mood is bad because she moved away from her mother. For example, Zhao Ming’s wife, seeing Zhao Ming in a bad mood, might worry to some extent: “Is it related to me?”
Therefore, when facing someone else’s bad mood or discomfort, we might end up feeling angry because we might not be able to make them feel better, and their mood affects us, making us feel irritable, feeling like it’s because of us, it’s our responsibility, hence we get angry at them for making us feel irritated.
This situation is particularly prone to happen in relationships with partners and family. The reason is: When interacting with intimate others, emotional boundaries in relationships tend to be more ambiguous; we are more susceptible to the emotional influence of intimate others because we “care about them,” so when they are not in a good mood, we hope to “make them feel better,” which is a very reasonable thing to do.
However,
when we realize we can’t make the other person feel better, with family members or partners whom we have a closer relationship with, we may feel more comfortable expressing our “anger” directly. Therefore, facing closer relationships, the coping strategy of “anger” (sometimes similar to irritability) is more likely to emerge.
“Pleasing, avoiding, persuading, anger,” these emotional avoidance strategies actually relate to our habit of taking on responsibility for others’ emotions without realizing that “other people’s emotions are their own responsibility.”
Once we start being able to return emotional responsibility back to others, we can increasingly respect the other person’s feelings. Especially when the other person is in a bad mood, even if it is related to you, it’s not your responsibility.
They need to practice communicating with you, expressing their feelings, giving you both the chance to discuss and adjust your interactions and relationship.
If they don’t bring it up, maybe they need time to understand and process; or their bad mood might not be related to you at all, they just didn’t “pretend” to be in a good mood.
Therefore,
practicing respect for the other person’s feelings, returning emotional responsibility to the other person; this can prevent you from being driven by inner anxiety or irritability to do things you don’t really want to do.
You find that you can choose, and when respecting others’ feelings—when you realize this,
you no longer let your inner anxiety lead you,
your inner self will have more respect for yourself, making us more self-respecting and liking ourselves,
increasing self-esteem naturally.
(End of the article)
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