In the process of accompanying children as they grow up, disappointment is often encountered. How to strike a balance between being a “permissive parent” and an “authoritative parent”? Let’s see how the author of the book “The Best Parenting, Starting from Accepting Negative Emotions” handles this.
“So, are we supposed to just give in to everything they want?”
This sentence should lead to the collapse of the argument. It reflects a lack of understanding of children’s emotions and needs. No, respectfully listening to emotions does not mean blindly satisfying demands.
We went to see a circus performance, and at the entrance, there were all kinds of flashy caps and glow-in-the-dark products for sale. Margot tugged at my hand, pointing to a glow stick, and said to me, “Mom, look, I want something like this!”
“No, I don’t want to buy that, it’s too expensive!” I unfortunately replied.
She retorted angrily, “I know you won’t buy it for me, but I still have the right to want it!”
Yes, she has the right to want it! I found myself blurting out a clichéd response without thinking.
In the process of accompanying children as they grow up, the issue of disappointment is always encountered. Between the “permissive parents” who try not to let children be disappointed and the “authoritative parents” who often disappoint their children, what do children need? François Lelord let us know that too much disappointment can hurt a child’s soul, but disappointment is necessary and can help them grow.
We know that children have desires and needs, and we also know that the two should not be equated. Children do not “need” a red toy car or a blonde doll, they just “want” them. Conversely, they absolutely “need” their anger (which is the expression of disappointment) to be respected and heard. It is obvious that not saying “yes” to everything is important; discovering that they are being rejected (reasonably rejected) helps a child’s development.
Because they are rolling on the ground in anger? He doesn’t actually need candy, although he really wants to eat it. What he needs is to express his disappointment. He is trying to make his anger heard. This is important to him because he needs to make sure that your rejection does not mean a relationship is broken.
If you say no to him, the parent-child relationship is in danger, and he will soon be unable to bear his intense feelings. He may scream, but observe him; he wants to hit you, he is seeking contact. If you avoid him, he may go punch walls, hit objects, or roll on the ground; he needs to repair the parent-child relationship. Therefore, please do not deny him contact when he needs it the most.
During the intermission of the circus show, Margot looked longingly at the balloons floating between rows of seats.
“Mom, I want a balloon!”
I could actually refuse her, say to her, “I still don’t want to buy one, these balloons are expensive!”
Or lie to her, “I have no money left.”
Or divert her attention, “Finish reading the program, let me know if you understand it.”
But given the accusation she made at the circus entrance, I looked at the balloons, and I also found them beautiful. I exclaimed, “I love the parrot balloon the most. Oh no, look, there are Simba and his dad’s balloons.”
She then said, “I like the pink mermaid!”
We ended up talking about all the balloons we liked. A little boy next to us joined in the game: “And there’s Mickey Mouse’s.” We spent a wonderful moment chatting and dreaming together, no longer needing to buy balloons. The expressed desire (wanting a balloon) disappears before the needs of feeling connected and sharing something are satisfied.
Please don’t come to any recurring conclusions. Giving candy or gifts to satisfy desires is harmless in itself. Refusing to buy anything for them under the pretext that they do not “need” it is unfair. Children may draw their own conclusions that they are not allowed to enjoy pleasure, which can have various impacts on their joy in their present and future lives.
We can remind ourselves that giving or denying children balloons or candy is not just about sweets or small things, it is an opportunity to learn about interpersonal relationships.
Don’t let a few sweets damage our relationship with children!
Disappointment is inevitable in life, there is no need to increase it excessively. For the sake of respecting your own needs, for protecting the child, and ensuring their health, there will certainly be times when you cannot satisfy the child.
So the question is:
How do you help them experience disappointment? The answer is: be willing to listen to their anger.