In the workplace, emotional intelligence (EQ) is often considered more important than intellectual intelligence (IQ). Interestingly, in relationships between spouses or partners, emotional intelligence also plays a crucial role and can even impact the longevity of the relationship. So, how can one identify a partner with high emotional intelligence, someone with whom they can withstand the test of time? According to experts, there are three signs to look for.
American psychologist Mark Travers mentioned in a Psychology Today article that the presence of emotionally mature partners is often underestimated, but their influence should not be underestimated. Here are three signs to identify if you have an emotionally mature partner:
An emotionally mature partner will handle their emotions properly and be sensitive to your needs. You will feel safe around them. You can express your thoughts openly without fear of judgment. When you are hurt, you can communicate honestly without worrying that your feelings will be used against you.
During arguments, they will not resort to harsh criticism or hinder your voice. They will listen with curiosity, not defensiveness. They take responsibility for their mistakes, avoiding blaming or self-pity. They think carefully before speaking or acting, aiming to understand you rather than trying to outdo you.
For instance, if you express, “Last night at the team dinner, you spent more time with your colleagues than with me, which made me feel neglected,” a partner with high emotional intelligence would not retort, “That’s not true, you’re exaggerating.”
Instead, they might pause, then ask, “Can you help me understand what made you feel this way?” They do not rush to defend themselves but take the necessary responsibility, genuinely attempting to understand your feelings.
A study published in 2021 showed that individuals with high emotional intelligence utilize strategies like cognitive reappraisal to actively change their perception of a situation, reducing the impact of their emotions. They also selectively suppress emotions – when maintaining a relationship outweighs expressing certain emotions, they opt not to show those emotions.
This emotional flexibility is a true sign of maturity. It’s not about suppressing emotions or avoiding conflicts but understanding when and how to express emotions in ways that enhance the relationship rather than damage it.
Emotional maturity is not only reflected in how a person handles their emotions but also in how they connect with others through emotions. Such emotionally mature partners communicate with a clear purpose. They listen empathetically and face pain when necessary instead of avoiding it.
When your partner is emotionally mature, communication becomes a two-way street. They don’t just wait for their turn to speak. They ask thoughtful questions and respond after careful consideration. They don’t interrupt challenging conversations with tension or topic shifts.
Moreover, they do not interpret your boundaries as rejection but see them as markers to building the relationship. They collaborate with you rather than dominate over you. They know when to give you space and when to gently intervene.
Emotionally mature individuals do not use pleasing others as a weapon. They do not consciously or unconsciously manipulate kindness, amiability, or self-sacrifice. They don’t agree to avoid conflicts only to resent it silently later. They don’t seek approval from you and then retract, get angry, or feel guilty afterward.
They do not excessively seek approval or control how others perceive them. They don’t overly accommodate to maintain peace by avoiding honest conversations because they understand that it’s unhealthy.
A study conducted in 2022 revealed that emotional intelligence can significantly predict the satisfaction levels of romantic relationships. The higher one’s emotional intelligence, the more likely their partner will have a satisfying, stable romantic relationship.
An emotionally mature partner provides reliable emotional support not only during trying times but also in the everyday moments that build true intimacy in a relationship.
They do little things that make you happy, like playing your favorite song while driving or ordering your favorite dish before you even mention it. They pay attention to when you feel uncomfortable and respond accordingly without waiting for you to speak up.
Travers concludes that emotional maturity breeds security, and from that security stems everything else – intimacy, trust, and lasting happiness. Being with emotionally mature people doesn’t mean your relationship will be free of arguments, disagreements, or misunderstandings. But it does mean that when issues arise, you will tackle them together.