Editor’s Note:
In life, do you often prioritize others’ feelings over your own? Do you frequently sacrifice your own needs to fulfill others’? When we don’t express our feelings and needs, others may not know what we require, and being “ignored” becomes the norm. (Continued from the previous article: Believing in yourself to break free from emotional blackmail dilemma.)
The previous article mentioned that “self-worth” is a crucial foundation for overcoming “emotional blackmail”. Moreover, we can say that “self-worth” is the fundamental basis on which each person gauges their happiness and satisfaction in life.
Many individuals who feel their self-worth is low and are deeply consumed by this feeling have asked me a question: “Teacher, if my main struggle is due to ‘low self-worth,’ how can I ‘boost my self-worth’? Should I accomplish many achievements? Face many difficult challenges?”
I believe this is a common question for many. After all, enhancing self-worth, boosting confidence, seems like a very vague and abstract concept.
My answer is: “You don’t need to do those things; you simply need to practice ‘valuing your own feelings.'”
“Practice valuing your own feelings”? You may wonder why valuing your own feelings is so important and how it can lead to “boosting self-worth.”
Imagine this: In your life, do you often prioritize others’ feelings? Do you frequently ignore your own feelings and needs for the sake of others, sacrificing yourself?
Perhaps you can sense that in this process, you continuously pay attention to, magnify, and even cater to others’ feelings and needs. Your capabilities may grow stronger because satisfying others’ needs requires problem-solving skills. However, on the flip side, you may start feeling less important.
After all, if you always prioritize others’ feelings, place others’ needs above your own, frequently sacrifice yourself to meet others’ needs, over time, you may start feeling that your feelings and needs are “unimportant,” and that you too are “unimportant.”
Additionally, others may overlook valuing your needs and feelings in your “compliance.”
After all, if even you give up on defending your feelings and needs, how can others be responsible or obliged to pay attention to them?
However, when you start practicing valuing your feelings and needs, you begin to care for yourself, feel that you are important, and not just a sacrifice in interactions with others.
When you start valuing and respecting your feelings, you begin to learn to express yourself, refuse what doesn’t align with you, and advocate for your own rights. You will feel more empowered, courageous, and more aware of your own significance.
Furthermore, others will, in this process, hear your expressions and refusals, understand you, and learn to respect you in the way you desire, interacting with you accordingly.
At times, if we often feel that others ignore our feelings and needs, we must know one thing:
When we don’t express our feelings and needs, others may not understand what we require, and “ignoring” becomes automatic.
It may not necessarily be others’ “malice” but rather our “concern.”
When we overly worry about “if I express my needs, will others dislike me or find me difficult to get along with,” these thoughts magnify the possible negative consequences of expressing needs and show a lack of trust in others.
In essence, we worry that we aren’t valuable enough for others to care, pay attention, spend time, and effort on us. We fear we are not valuable enough, so when others need to do something for us, we perceive it as a “bother” and avoid asking to prevent rejection.
But not requesting, and subsequently, the other party failing to notice our needs – then we feel disappointed and end up deeming ourselves as worthless.
However, perhaps the other person actually wants to do something for us, they just don’t know what we need.
Therefore, valuing and expressing our feelings is not just about safeguarding our rights; more importantly, we are demonstrating trust in this world and in others:
I believe you value me enough, I believe you value this relationship, so when I express myself, it also means I trust you are willing to respect me as a person.
When you exhibit your trust, you will find your inner strength intensifying.
Nevertheless, sometimes, the other party may not appreciate it; they might feel hurt by your actions because you are no longer prioritizing them. Thus, they may attack you and demand that you still prioritize their needs and feelings.
During these moments, it is crucial to understand one thing:
When a relationship deteriorates to a point where only one person can express feelings or solely aims to fulfill one person’s needs, the relationship is no longer balanced or healthy.
Your willingness to trust the other person and express your feelings is your bravery. If they refuse to accept your feelings, it’s still not your fault because you are communicating your stance, stating at least that you “refuse to sacrifice your feelings and needs to fulfill theirs”, signifying that you are beginning to have the courage to defend your rights and protect yourself.
You may ask, “Is this selfish?” In actuality, protecting and respecting your feelings and needs without demanding others to sacrifice theirs for you is not selfish. However, if others demand you sacrifice your needs for theirs, that is their selfishness.
Therefore, valuing your feelings and needs, without infringing or harming others’ rights, is a way to respect and protect yourself, and it is one of the best methods to enhance self-worth.
(The end of the article)