Editor’s Note:
Individuals with low self-worth often find themselves trapped in emotional blackmail. However, even people who are confident and have a strong belief in their abilities are often held captive by anxiety, feeling not good enough, and thus experiencing self-doubt. So, what is the difference between self-confidence and low self-worth?
“What does ‘low self-worth’ mean?”
A student once asked me: “Teacher, you said people with low self-worth are prone to emotional blackmail… But I think I’m quite confident, I have confidence in my abilities at work, doesn’t that count as being confident? How is this different from self-worth?”
Self-confidence is a “confidence in one’s abilities”. Through past learning, work, and life experiences, we have achieved some objective successes and accomplishments, or have successfully solved some problems, gradually accumulating understanding and confidence in ourselves.
“I can easily do this type of thing,” “I can actually achieve this…” From some objective achievements, we also form subjective thoughts and understanding of our abilities. These gradually accumulate into confidence in ourselves, believing that we are capable of doing and completing tasks; this is self-confidence.
“Self-worth” represents the evaluation of oneself, accepting and respecting one’s own attitude.
In other words, affirming “self-worth” means: I affirm my “value” in this world; I believe I don’t always have to achieve something or prove something to be valuable.
Even if I have some shortcomings, or if I can’t do something yet, or even if I fail sometimes… I believe that these things happened because I “didn’t do well enough,” not because “I am not good enough.” As long as I try my best, I believe I can do well, and I won’t doubt my existence in the world because of that failure.
In other words, you are willing to believe:
“My existence is where my value lies, I don’t need to work hard to prove something or achieve something; my existence is valuable and meaningful.”
In other words: complete self-acceptance.
However, I have also encountered many people who, despite having objective high achievements or a lot of successful experiences, do not subjectively believe themselves to be “capable of success.” These objective successes instead become the “standards they should live up to.”
They cannot affirm their own abilities or enjoy their achievements; they are always striving for success time and time again, hoping that through these successes, they can reduce their anxiety and feel that they are “good enough,” thereby maintaining the meaning of their own lives.
When “objective success” cannot be accepted by “subjective understanding,” our true “self-confirmation” is difficult to accumulate, and it is hard to have confidence in our abilities. Therefore, when faced with challenges, we often feel anxious.
To escape this anxiety, we strive even harder to pursue “objective success” and “external affirmation,” using them as the standards on which we base our existence; thus, we are often influenced by external evaluations.
If you have such a trait: even if you have excellent objective abilities, you may still “not feel very good about yourself,” but only “feel okay.” Yet each success sets a standard for yourself, making others often see you as “demanding” and “perfectionistic,” and you find yourself frequently held captive by your anxiety, unable to stop demanding more from yourself.
Such individuals are likely accustomed to self-doubt and crave validation, especially from someone with “authority”: whether it be a teacher, professor, supervisor, or a professional in a certain industry.
If this person consciously or unconsciously uses emotional blackmail, belittles your abilities, or makes you feel guilty… the person who is accustomed to self-doubt and seeking validation may neglect their own wishes, and strive to fulfill his demands and expectations.
Perhaps, aside from anxiety, you probably know that you are capable of achieving certain things. Yet these “achievements” become the standards you believe you should live up to.
If you don’t meet the standard, or accidentally fail, you might think “I’m so terrible,” believing that the problem lies within yourself; if you succeed, you might say to yourself, “It’s expected,” or assume it’s because of good luck, or just that “I worked harder,” unable to fully affirm yourself for accomplishing these tasks.
Especially when someone else’s demands conflict with your needs and feelings, to gain the approval of others, you may disregard your own feelings, instead catering to the other person’s needs just for a word of affirmation.
Because for you, your emotions and feelings are not the most important in your life; receiving affirmation and love from others are what matters most. Only then do you feel valued.
Even though you may know you have certain capabilities, your self-worth still depends on “whether others can affirm your abilities,” rather than “whether I can value my own feelings.”
If you are such a person, reading this far, would you feel compassion for this person who overly strives, often feels anxious, and constantly tries to prove that they are “valuable”?
If you can, show compassion towards yourself and embrace yourself lovingly!
Can you love yourself in this way? Can you say to yourself, “Hey, you are doing great, you’re working hard. Even if you do nothing, I still think you are valuable, I love this version of you.”
I love this version of myself. These words are the source of courage when facing emotional blackmail questioning.
Therefore, when you encounter emotional blackmailers, try asking yourself: “Can I respect my feelings? When I don’t like something, can I say no without worrying, feeling anxious, or thinking poorly of myself?
When someone uses ‘if you don’t meet my needs, I will belittle you or think you are not good enough,’ can I reject such threats and believe in something essential: only I can define myself.
When I believe in my own goodness, I don’t have to constantly prove something to the world.
Do I need to prove that I am good enough? No, I don’t. Because I believe I am good enough.”
As you start practicing believing that you are “good enough,” that your existence is essential and valuable in this world, valuing your needs and feelings more than others’, not constantly undermining yourself, then you will have enough self-worth and courage to resist emotional blackmail.
Perhaps, when you see the words “believing in yourself enough,” you might have a thought flash in your mind: “I know, but how do I do it? I just can’t.”
If you have this thought, I invite you to feel:
“How do you usually talk to yourself?”
Is it mostly encouraging or critical and judgmental?
If you find that you often speak to yourself in a critical, blaming, and judgmental manner, then it’s challenging to believe you are good enough.
How so? Imagine this: if a child is constantly criticized, found lacking by the adults around him, whether it’s his parents or teachers, always harshly scolding him, pinpointing his flaws.
Even if he performs well externally, do you think he has confidence, believing he is good enough?
I believe you should know the answer is no—
Regardless of how well this child performs externally, he finds it challenging to believe he is good enough, to become a confident person. He will always doubt himself and worry about not performing well enough.
The blame from people around us can deeply damage our self-worth.
Moreover: if it’s the person closest to us, namely ourselves, who frequently blames, criticizes, and scolds ourselves, how deep does this hurt our self-worth?
Especially, we always know which words affect us the most, which ones hurt us the deepest.
And how we treat ourselves, the words we say to ourselves, are often the echoes of what adults, including parents, teachers, and others said to us in our childhood, internalized as our inner language.
Ironically, we detest others for being critical, yet subconsciously think: “Only through being harsh on ourselves like this will we progress.”
Under this “brainwashing” language, we find it hard to feel good about ourselves; we don’t believe we are good enough.
So, if you are willing to start trying a different approach towards yourself, please practice:
Recognize the negative language you habitually use with yourself; if it’s negative, stop the self-critique and blame internally, telling yourself: “I am already trying my best, I don’t need to be critical or blame myself like this, I can do well.”
In this way, as you begin to treat yourself gently, you will be willing to believe: “I am good enough.”
(To be continued)
(Special article on the website)