We can and should learn to say “I”. Try it once or twice, see what is happening to you and to them.
When you are angry:
1. Feel the energy of anger in your body, let it spread throughout. Stay in the sensation in your body without thinking.
2. Find out the real reason why you are angry. Is the child’s behavior a trigger, but what is the underlying reason? Do you feel powerless? When your child is late for school and you are late for work, are you afraid of the teacher, your child, or your boss’s judgment? Are you tired of doing all the household chores while your husband leisurely returns home from work? Is your mother calling to complain about feeling lonely or her varicose veins again? You are exhausted, how much you wish to watch a sports broadcast on TV?
Perhaps just becoming aware of the reason can instantly extinguish your anger and direct your energy towards the appropriate person. Then, tell the child what’s happening with you. This way, they can also learn to do the same.
Alternatively, if the anger continues to accumulate within you, then:
3. It directly points to your child. Please proceed to the fourth point.
4. You are really angry with your child. You want them to change a behavior that undermines your needs. Remember, your attitude is both a conscious and unconscious example for them. So pay special attention to how you express your needs, without turning it into blame. Here is a typical sentence structure:
When you… (describe the specific behavior),
I feel… (express my emotions, feelings),
Because I… (state my needs),
I request you… (mention a clear behavioral request that can help repair our relationship at this moment),
So that… (state the motivation to inspire the other person).
For example:
When you tell me you want to eat noodles, I cook them for you, but then you don’t eat, it makes me angry. Because I cooked for you, I need to feel that it is useful.
I request that you understand how it makes me feel when I do something for you and you no longer want it, so I would still be willing to do things you ask of me in the future.
When you throw your dirty underwear on the floor, I get angry. Because I am tired of cleaning up after you. Rather than tidying up your mess, I would prefer to do something else together with you.
I request that you hear my feelings, and put your underwear in the dirty laundry basket, so I can feel comfortable when I am with you and we can have fun together.
Although this may seem simple, this type of communication is complex and requires self-awareness as well as awareness of the other person. Initially, it’s challenging not to fall into generalizations, vague statements, or judgments when identifying the other person’s exact behavior. Phrases like “You never listen,” “When you stand badly,” “When you annoy people,” quickly come to mind.
Moreover, because we are not accustomed to expressing emotions, we often struggle to find the right words to articulate our feelings accurately. We might try to substitute one emotion for another: “I am angry when you come home at two in the morning,” instead of “I am worried that something happened to you when you come home at two in the morning.” In this scenario, unless there was a previous agreement between the teenager and parents, anger may be unjustified, while worry is likely the primary emotion.
Furthermore, it is extremely difficult to identify the genuine needs and express them. Formulating a request that can be accepted immediately without involving future commitments is not easy.
Finally, understanding the consequences of frustrating or hurtful behaviors in parent-child relationships and focusing fully on the other person to motivate them to meet our needs is truly an art. While “So that” may sound like manipulation, it is simply answering the question:
“How will agreeing to my request bring about changes for me and our relationship?”
It is crucial that the other person benefits from it; otherwise, why would they change their behavior?
Nevertheless, the first three sentences— “When you…”, “I feel…”, “Because I…”— are usually sufficient.
“When you hit your brother, I get angry because I don’t like to see anyone getting hurt!”
“When you walk into the house with muddy shoes, I get angry because I just cleaned!”
This sentence necessitates conditions that prevent misuse. It forces us to confront our limits. Indeed, in the following sentences, can we find a legitimate reason?
“When you refuse to obey me, I get angry because… because I need to feel superior to you?”
“Son, when you wear earrings, I get angry because… I am worried about what others might say?”
I can only get angry about things that concern me. Otherwise, it becomes control.
This all requires practice. So when the children say “You are mean” to us, don’t scold them too much. Try to interpret that they are telling us:
“When you ask me to turn off the TV, I get angry because I want to watch that movie.”
Lead by example, teach them to express their anger clearly. (End of the article)