One day, I exploded in anger, shaking my daughter Marjorie while yelling at her. She started crying and then got angry, saying, “Mom, you have no right to do this!”
I immediately stopped. She was right; I had no right to shake her and make her afraid. Yes, I was angry, but that was not a reason to harm her (because feeling scared in front of one’s own mother is a severe psychological injury).
Listening to my daughter’s words, my anger immediately subsided. I apologized to Marjorie and hugged her, comforting her.
Another time, for some unknown reason, I suddenly said to her, “You are really unbearable!”
She looked at me and retorted, “Mom, you have no right to say that.”
“You’re right, sweetheart, you are right,” I sat beside her and continued, “I have no right to say these hurtful words to you. I said those words because I lost control. But that’s my anger, I should have said ‘I am angry’ instead of criticizing you. If I say you are unbearable, it would hurt you, and it wouldn’t help me achieve the peace I need. I’m sorry.”
No one is perfect, and we are all accustomed to projecting our difficulties onto others. So thinking that it won’t happen to us is unrealistic. It is important to allow children to feel and express that it is unfair. This way, their justified anger can bring us back to reality, and we can realize what went wrong and apologize for it. This way, no one gets hurt.
On the contrary, if children are belittled, harmed, humiliated, or mocked by adults and cannot or dare not respond, if they do not get angry when they should, they will continue to feel belittled, humiliated, or mocked, possibly carrying those scars for a long time.
If the parent-child relationship emphasizes respecting the child, various insults thrown out in moments of anger may not necessarily harm the child’s psyche. But during sensitive periods, just one inappropriate word may leave a lasting imprint. So it’s best not to take that risk!
In addition, staying in touch with our own emotions rather than projecting them onto our children allows parents to focus on themselves and be more self-aware. Paradoxically, blaming mistakes on children will only exhaust us faster!
Some parents never get angry because they are afraid of hurting their children. They deny their own needs and suppress their emotions. The biggest drawback of this attitude is that children unknowingly take on the anger the parents do not express and manifest it outwardly, but they do not know where that anger is coming from because it does not belong to them. The child may become a true little tyrant, getting angry at the slightest displeasure.
Contrary to what we often hear, this is not because of insufficient punishment or lack of strictness from parents, but because the anger is suppressed!
We can and should learn to use “I” statements. Try it once or twice, see what is happening with you and what is happening with them.
When you are angry:
1. Feel the energy of anger in your body, let it spread throughout. Stay in the bodily sensation, do not think.
2. Identify the real reason for your anger. The child’s behavior is the trigger, but what is the root cause? Do you feel powerless? If the child is late for school and you are also late for work, are you afraid of the teacher, the child, or the boss’s judgment? Are you tired of doing all the housework while your husband relaxes after work? Is your mother calling to complain about feeling lonely or her varicose veins again? You’re exhausted, how much you wish to watch the televised match on TV?
Perhaps just being aware of the reason can instantly extinguish your anger and redirect your energy to the rightful person. Then tell the child what is going on with you. This way, they can learn to do the same.
Alternatively, if anger continues to accumulate within you, however:
1. It has nothing to do with your child. Please proceed to the third point.
2. Tell your child what you are angry about. Tell them the real reasons, do not fear damaging the image of your partner, parents, or in-laws. You should protect the child’s self-image, do not blame them for things unrelated to them.
Tell the child that you need a few minutes alone to vent your anger. Go to another room, if necessary, go to the bathroom, and then scream! They can also go to that room when they need it. Before sitting on the “venting pad,” imagine that the person causing you pain is right in front of you. Shout, cry, hit the pad to release your stress when needed.
Expressing anger consciously, rather than being driven by uncontrollable impulses, is very liberating, especially when done loudly.
If you cannot go to another room, be careful not to shout at the child. Instead, remind them, “I am angry, it’s not your fault, it’s because of… (state the real reason), but I need to scream now.” Then turn away, scream, “I am really, really, really fed up!”
After venting your anger, take time to talk:
“When I was yelling, how did you feel? Were you scared? Yes, it’s natural to be scared when someone yells. But do you know it has nothing to do with you? Do you know who made me yell?”
Learning to express anger is crucial for them.
Correct any misinterpretations. If they say, “You yelled because I spilled the cup,” clearly explain the truth: “No, I was angry at that moment, but you spilling the cup was just another annoying incident. I was already angry because the bank refused to lend us money. Everyone spills cups, it’s not a big deal. It’s not your fault that the bank doesn’t want to lend us money.” (To be continued)