“Listen, listen. I really want to do this, but he doesn’t tell me anything!” I don’t know how many times I’ve heard this desperate complaint from parents who have lost hope. Simply opening up your heart and ears is not enough to make a child speak!
Before offering yourself, a child needs to feel that their feelings will be heard and accepted without judgment. However, you have to admit that sometimes it’s really hard to just listen to the problem without taking sides, providing solutions or advice, or trying to comfort or fix while listening to emotions.
In fact, commands, threats, preaching, admonishment, suggestions, criticism, humiliation, blame, compliments, excessive reassurance, or diverting attention… all of these should be prohibited. Otherwise, the child will only understand that their emotions are unwelcome, and that you think they cannot solve their own problems.
Every time we solve problems for them, we strip them of the opportunity to develop autonomy; every time we explain things they already know, they feel insulted and belittled.
Listening is about echoing emotions, making the child feel accepted and profoundly understood. The focus is not on listening to words, but on hearing the echoes of emotions within.
When he tells you about an argument with a friend or teacher, talks about failure or expected difficulties, or complains about his dad or brother… listen to his emotions, not the events!
Everyone’s body posture carries their inner experiences. If you position yourself similarly to your child, you can better connect with them and hear their voice more clearly.
Try it, lean back with your body against the chair, spread your legs, shake your arms – you cannot feel fearful. Certain poses will make you completely unaware of certain emotions.
Your body sends subconscious messages to your child: when you are comfortably sprawled in the chair, and he’s about to confess to feeling shy in front of a female friend, how can he believe you understand him? At that moment, you cannot touch his feelings, physiologically it’s impossible. Hence, he knows you are not ‘really’ listening to him; he knows you hear his words but not his experiences.
Have the courage to let his experiences resonate within you.
You don’t have to start crying. This is not the time to let his emotions infect you! Your child needs your empathy, to experience what he is experiencing, to understand what he is going through, not through your reasoning but through your heart. But he doesn’t need you to sink into emotions with him. Even worse, if you cry, he may stop his emotions to avoid hurting you!
Note that if your child leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, if many past emotions remain unexpressed, these suppressed feelings could mix with new ones, causing further entanglement. Identify your own childhood emotions, set them aside, and deal with them separately.
Take deep breaths (through your nose), imagine breathing in deep down to your pelvic bone, deep down to your coccyx.
Don’t try to solve the problem, help the child express ‘his’ feelings. Accept his emotions as if you are welcoming a bowl filled with water.
Be the container for his emotions, do not interrupt them.
Help the child unload their emotions onto you, and all you can send back to him is gentleness, not fear, anger, or sadness on his behalf.
Send him gentleness to lean on, and the necessary confidence to face difficulties.
You can use the following sentences to help him articulate his experiences clearly:
For you, X is not easy.
X is difficult.
I imagine X.
I know you must be in pain because of X.
You feel (sad, angry, worried…).
You feel sad at the thought of (not seeing our old house anymore…).
You dislike (someone’s attitude, a behavior…).
Do not ask ‘why’, it may make him feel accused, and instead of summoning worthy feelings for us to address, you need to ask him to think and try to use ‘what’ and ‘how’ questions.
Try it out, and you’ll see a variety of reactions from him.
What happened?
How does it make you feel?
When… happens, how do you react?
When… happens, what do you feel?
When… happens, what comes to your mind?
What makes you sad the most? What makes you angry the most? (When he shows these emotions, ask him.)
What do you lack the most?
What worries you the most?
What do you think about (someone’s attitude, a particular behavior…)?
How do you feel (about an event, whether happy or unhappy)?
How do you experience these things? (This situation.)
How do you understand this? (This issue.)
What do you think?
What are you afraid of?
What scares you most?
What do you need?
After the child has shared enough factors with you, you can try paraphrasing them thoroughly (note, this is not a random interpretation, but rephrasing what he told you):
“When you ask a question, and the teacher calls you stupid, you feel angry because you actually need him to help you understand.”
“When your sister entertains friends at home, you feel lonely and sad because it reminds you that your best friend moved away.”
Only when you have discussed these scenarios in detail, and all emotions have been expressed, can you ask:
Can you think of any solutions?
What can you do?
What can I do?
What can we do?
How can I help you?
(End of website article)